She's Gone Forever
by ForensicFan007
Summary: Tony's thoughts about what happened with Jeanne. Song Gone Forever by Three Days Grace. Slight mention of Tony/Ziva. Tiva


**She's Gone … Forever**

Tony laughed as he heard the lyrics to the song blaring through the large speakers as he sat at the bar. They weren't really amusing, and his laugh was humorless. He was not amused at all, no.

Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS, the song, lyrics or the characters.

He just found it rather ironic that that song should be playing. The lyrics almost perfectly described what had happened to him and how he felt.

_Don't know what's going on  
Don't know what went wrong  
Feels like a hundred years I  
Still can't believe you're gone  
So I'll stay up all night  
With these bloodshot eyes  
While these walls surround me with the story of our life  
_

Would she be back, or was she gone for good like she said? He didn't know. All he knew was that he wasn't sure at that moment what had gone wrong. How had he let this happen? It wasn't supposed to happen like that. She was part of the mission for the director. She was meant to be nothing more and nothing less. For a man who had a fear of commitment and had a different woman for every day of the week that should've been simple, a piece of cake. Yet, he had still allowed himself to have feelings for her. He'd been on missions before, he knew it wasn't a good idea, and he went and did it anyway. Tony did know a few things for certain though. What Tony did know was that he couldn't believe that she was gone for good. He couldn't believe that she had asked him to choose between her and his team, his family. It wasn't fair. None of it was fair. They could have had so much together. They could've bought a house together, they could have had a family, they could've had a life together, and he'd gone and screwed it all up.

If he was being completely honest with himself though, did he really miss her that much? She'd only been holding him down; literally sometimes. When he was with her he had to lie. He had to lie to her about who he was, about his job; the job he was proud to have, he had to pretend in the beginning that he was interested in her, he had to lie to his team about where he had been. He had to lie to Ziva too – and it killed him inside. He knew that she was concerned about him and for her to show it like she had was a big thing. He had just pushed her away though. If he was being completely honest, Jeanne leaving him wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Yet, here he was sitting in this obnoxiously loud club, by himself, depressed. Why was he depressed really though? He did feel so much better now that he didn't have to keep her a secret, now that he didn't have to lie – now that she was gone forever?

_I feel so much better  
Now that you're gone forever  
I tell myself that I don't miss you at all  
I'm not lying, denying that I feel so much better now  
That you're gone forever_

_  
_Screw Jeanne_, _he didn't need her. She wasn't worth going after. He had more important things, like his job at NCIS and his co-workers and friends, to live with. He didn't need her. He was glad that she disappeared, had gone from his life.

Tony chugged one last beer and paid the bartender before standing up and wandering over to a blonde chick who'd been trying to catch his eye. "Uh, hi there! I seem to have forgotten my number, can I have yours?" Not the most original pickup line but he could've done worse. "Oh, and your name as well." He stood a good foot taller than the young woman yet somehow still appeared to be tall, probably due to her two inch heels –how women could walk in those he'd never know – and the fact that her dress barely reached halfway down her thighs.

The attractive blonde smiled at him. "It's Mindy but if you decide to come home with me, I doubt you'll be able to remember it." She giggled.

_Now things are coming clear  
And I don't need you here  
And in this world around me  
I'm glad you disappeared  
So I'll stay out all night  
Get drunk and fuck and fight  
Until the morning comes I'll  
Forget about our life_

Her words weren't slurred but, from the way she responded to his pickup line and the way she's looking at him, he could tell that she's drunk. She's not very drunk yet but she'd had more than a few drinks. He could tell from the way she's slouching slightly. Ah well. Right then he'd take what he could get.

"I'd love to" he said grinning. Then he glanced over at a woman who was standing next to the blonde. She had gorgeous, hazel colored eyes and raven black curls. She too smiled at him flirtatiously before sauntering closer to _Mindy_. She whispered something in her ear then ran her fingers down Mindy's arm causing Tony's eyes to widen slightly. It was not so much the action that had caught his attention but the way that the woman had dragged her long fingers slowly down perfect pale skin. "Is – is she with you?" Tony asked gesturing from one woman to the other.

"She could be -" Mindy began.

"- If you'd like" the other woman finished.

"What's the matter? Can't handle that?" Both women advanced toward him slowly, speaking in unison.

Tony gulped. Wow, he could not believe that this was happening. "Yeah, I-I'm up for anything." Literally! "Well, shall we? Time's wasting ladies."

_I feel so much better  
Now that you're gone forever  
I tell myself that I don't miss you at all  
I'm not lying, denying that I feel so much better now  
That you're gone forever_

That was back at the bar. Now, hours later Tony lay staring up at the ceiling after one of the most amazing nights he'd had in a long time. He wasn't stone cold sober and he hadn't thought the entire thing through but for now it had been worth it.

Briefly he glanced over at the bodies he'd carefully disentangled himself from not long ago after he'd awoken. Both of them were still there, Mindy whom he'd originally planned to go home with and her friend whose name he'd learned was Raven, sound asleep still partially entwined.

_First time you screamed at me  
I should have made you leave  
I should have known it could be so much better  
I hope you're missing me  
I hope I've made you see  
That I'm gone forever_

As he lay in the strange bed, in that dark and unfamiliar room the song from the bar continued to play in his head. He didn't see how the all of the lines of the song applied to him but he was so much better off now that he could just be himself. Life was good.

_  
And now it's coming clear  
That I don't need you here  
And in this world around me  
I'm glad you disappeared_

_  
_He could survive this. He had friend that would support him and help him get past this. He would of course have to try to patch things up with those people first -. He just hoped it wasn't too late.

He'd betrayed a lot of people when he accepted that mission, when he'd agreed to help the director with her ploy to capture La Grenouille. Renée Benoit. Then he'd had to lie to them, further betraying their trust, to cover up that he was doing things that they couldn't know about. It was kind of fun at first, he had to admit, but in the end he couldn't believe what he had done. It wasn't worth it, wasn't worth how much he had hurt the people he truly cared about and who cared about him.

Yes, he would start to try and put his life back together again. Starting with the first piece … but first he needed to get out of here before the girls woke up!

_  
I feel so much better  
Now that you're gone forever  
I tell myself that I don't miss you at all  
I'm not lying, denying that I feel so much better now  
That you're gone forever  
And now you're gone forever  
And now you're gone forever_

As quickly and quietly he could. Tony slipped out of bed and carefully opened the door. He winced as it squeaked a bit and one of the women stirred. In the dark he couldn't tell which. He just knew that if she didn't go back to sleep he'd have to think quickly. He did not know if, when they awoke, they would want him to stay or if they'd even remember last night and he couldn't stay. Tony stood as still as a statue and held his breath. Slowly, the woman went limp again.

Tony fought back a sigh of relief as he slipped out the door and into the even darker hallway. He had a flashlight with him but to be safe he had better not use it. Then again if he ran into something – and there was a good chance of that happening in the cramped space – his chance of that happening were greater than the one of one of the women opening their eyes or seeing the light. He had places to be, people to see, things to work out and they he didn't know how, things would work out.

Somehow, after a few close calls Tony managed to get out of the apartment and onto the street in front of it where he'd parked his car. Climbing into it he shut the door, put on his seatbelt and started the car and drove off – to freedom. He was a free man.

**Song is Gone Forever by Three Days Grace**

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